Happy December

An old friend IMed the other day about my blog. He was sad that we weren't as close anymore as we used to be, but happy that he had a way to keep in touch with me by reading it. This friend and I used to hang out practically every day and it's sad to see how our relationship has changed. Now I wonder, how have I changed? I obviously had something to do with the disintegration of our friendship...

I think that the most influential factor in our friendships is - sadly - our romantic relationships. How many of us have lost touch with a friend simply because they're tangled up with a new boy/girlfriend? I know that I have. When I started my first serious relationship with Joe (sophomore year of HS), my mom wouldn't allow me to see him everyday. I would always get so mad at her - because that's of course all I wanted to do - but she constantly called me out on it when I hadn't spent enough time with my friends. Guys come and go, but...you know. Anyway, I don't feel like I've ever ditched my friends for a guy - a fact that actually usually pisses off the guy I'm dating. But, if you want to be with me, that's a ground rule. Unless there's an emergency or a ring on my finger, my friends come first.

So, that's not my problem. How have I changed? I think I'm much more independent than I was in the past. I've grown up a lot this year. I'm sure that statement will make some of my friends laugh, but it's true. For the first time I feel like I'm really comfortable being me. God, that sounds super-cheesy, but I can't help it. I was so proud of myself the first time that I decided to confront someone about a problem I was having with them. It seems like something so little, but it was a big deal for little ol' me.

Different things are important to me. High school was all about what everyone else thought of you (at least for me it seemed to be) and I'm glad that's over. I still know a lot of judgemental people, but now it doesn't affect me the way it used to. Susie Q isn't a raging bitch for the rest of the semester if she tells a mutual friend that I said something behind her back. (Omg do you remember 3way calling?) If John Doe knows that I have a crush on him, it's not the end of the world. That stuff doesn't matter as much anymore.

I guess these are probably really generic things that everyone feels about themselves as well. If we were BFF a few years back and haven't talked in awhile, I know that you're going through the same things I am. So much can change in just a year.

dear diary,

August 27, 2001
I don't understand how it's possible to feel so alone. I need to get out of here. I want to live on my own - being here makes me angry and upset for what seems like no reason. Why do I always see the bad side of everything? It frightens me. I'm scared about Matt. I'm scared of getting hurt by Matt. What if he just doesn't feel the same for me as I do for him? I afraid to love. I'm afraid of letting anyone else get too close. Do I have the strength?
Does everything really happen for a reason? Did Joe teach me how powerful love can be just so I could feel it for someone else?

September 11, 2001
Today was a day that I will never forget. When I walked to school this morning, my biggest worry was about the teacher's strike - they were all picketting outside and I knew that we weren't having any real classes. I was sitting in the library watching a documentary when Gabby ran in crying. She was in the office and overheard that the World Trade Center had been attacked and that the two towers had collapsed.
We left the library and went upstairs where we could see the damage. The Manhattan skyline was destroyed and all we could see was smoke in the direction of the WTC. I burst into tears, because I thought of Kristen. Her father works in the towers. She's already lost her mother and I couldn't imagine anything happening to her father also. I tried to call her over and over again, but no one's phone was working. For the first time in a long time, I prayed. It took hours before I learned that he was safe.

September 18, 2001
Matt is going to college next year - to be a pilot! What if we go to war?
I started taking driver's ed. I can't wait until I get my license so that I can get out of here.

August 31, 2002
I haven't written in here for months, but there's always one thing that motivates me to pick up my diary and paper. Matt - I don't understand what this boy does to me. When we fought last summer I thought we would never even speak again. Now, over a year later, we just kissed. OMG he just kissed me. We were talking, then I saw this sweet but hesitant look in his eyes - maybe a little scared. But, it was perfect.

March 18, 2003
Another letter came in the mail today. I didn't make it into NYU's science program. I made general admissions, but there's not really a point if I'm not in the program. The only school I have left to hear from is Fordham. Now that's my first choice - what if I don't make it? I made St. John's, but I really don't want to go there. I need to get off this island.

July 03, 2003
So much has changed. I'm 18 years old. I graduated from high school. I'm going to attend Fordham University in Manhattan in the fall. Walter and I broke up after a year and I started dating a boy named Jeff recently. He makes me really happy and I think I might love him, but I'm not ready to say that out loud yet.
OMG my friend Eamon has a hit song on z100! He has a video on MTV and everything. I haven't seen him in years, but he came into Blockbuster the other day and when I helped him, he remembered me! He's opening for Britney next month and everything.

July 14, 2005
After two years together, Jeff and I just broke up. I don't understand what happened - I just can't understand my own feelings. How could they just change? I need to go for a drive. A long one.

I found my old diary when I went home this weekend for the holiday. Here are just a few thing out of it. Just pretend you never read them...

Happy Turkey Day

Gobble gobble goo and gobble gobble giggle.
I wish turkey only cost a nickle!

Yeah, Happy Thanksgiving! My Thanksgiving started, as it does every year, last night. I always go to my aunt's house on the eve of the big T-Day to cook. We slaved for a few hours making stuffing, two kinds of sweet potatoes, pie, chicken soup, etc while we talked about boys.

Then I left for my friend's apartment for a Hold 'em tournament. My enterance was pretty funny, because while most of the group was my usual crowd, there were a few new faces - and I always love the glares when they see a girl throw twenty on the table. Anyways, it had been awhile since I had a good game and I came in fifth out of thirteen. Eh.

When I drove back to my aunt's it was about 3,30am and I saw about thirty little snowflakes. I was hoping to wake up this morning to an inch of snow (as Mr. G had promised), but my wish was not granted. Oh well, maybe by Christmas.

At 7am we woke up to stuff and cook the turkey. Sammy (our yorkie who is both adorable and pure evil all at once) was not happy that we'd ignored him all night, but then we started feeding him turkey and he was all better :) Then every one came over - and by everyone I mean my mommy, daddy, brother and grandfather. We're a small crowd, but YEA grandpa was there. He was allowed to leave the rehab place for the day. He's doing very well for someone who just had two major surgeries. Next week he can go home for a few days before he starts chemo.

We ate, we played cards - my family is not as good as my regular group so I won thirty bucks (we do cash game, not tournament), we ate some more, then when got home around 10pm a got changed and went back to my other card game (lost miserably) and then came home to perform the final T-Day tradition - eat the leftovers. Sorry mommy, there's no more stuffing left...

Getting to know me...

...getting to know all about me...

Okay, so I'm in the duty office and I'm totally bored. The few people who turn around for a moment to say hello are just not doing it for me. This boredom has led to my decision to write about the most random things I can think of...

Since I have no idea how to find the list of IP addresses that visit my site, nor would I even know what to do with them once they were located, I haven't a clue as to who reads this blog. For people who don't know me, I'm terribly sorry for not giving much insight into who I am (I tend to only write in here with a distinct topic). For my friends, my closest will probably know most of what's to follow, but maybe not...dun dun dun! Oh, and throw in random stuff too.

1. My biggest pet peeve is repetition. I cannot stand to hear someone repeat something if I don't feel that it is necessary.
2. I would do absolutely anything for my friends. I know you think that everyone says that, but I truly do.
3. I have a new "favorite movie of all time" every week. The longest running one would have to be Hello Dolly. You think that's cute? You should have heard me tell people that when I was seven. I must have watched that tape every day. Grease, Fly Away Home and Now & Then were each my #1 for a couple of years apiece, but since those, I haven't had a consistent one.
4. I become obsessed with a song. My suitemate will kill me if I play Kelly's "Beautiful Disaster" one more time. This week? Guster's "Happier". Download it now bitches!
5. I encourage mismatched socks. Haha - yea I don't even put them in the drawer matched anymore. But, the pair has to make sense. I won't put striped socks with ladybugs or anything. Hence, why I always buy two pairs of socks together - the mismatch has to be compatible.
6. If I haven't called you a "cock", we're not as good of friends as be potentially could be. Once you've earned that title, you know I love you (refer to #2).
7. I prefer spending the night under the covers watching a movie than going out and drinking.
8. #7 is not always clear to people, because most of my friends prefer the latter, and I tend to go with the flow.
9. I'm terribly scared about the future. I know exactly what I want to do, but I think that's harder than being an undecided (aka communications - just kidding!) major, because what if I don't get a job that I love? I constantly question if I'm smart enough to do forensics. Then I look at a problem from my last organic chemistry test...haha I'm so proud when they make sense.
10. Okay, I'll make #10 the last one, so it's gotta be good. Hmmm. Now matter how many times it does not happen, I will never stop believing that someone will sweep me off my feet. I refuse to believe that happy endings only happens in movies. One of these days, right while I'm having a girly daydream - it'll come true.

Congratulations!

So, I'm having what seems to be a normal conversation with my friend Alan last night, when he tells me his big news - he's engaged!

I was speechless. Alan recently reconnected with an ex-ex-ex-ex girlfriend from California and they haven't been able to stop talking. Then, maybe a month into it, she met him in DC and then came to visit for a little while here in New York. All week long they did it like bunnies, adding the last piece to their puzzle - c'mon you need to be sexually compatible.

Well, I guess that went great all week, because now they're engaged. I still can't believe it. This is my second friend to become engaged recently and I feel like we're growing up so fast. That makes me so happy and so sad all at the same time - what an awkward feeling.

That's all it took. A month. I think that is absolutely amazing, because I can only imagine how powerful their feelings must be for each other. I've been in seriously relationships before (JJ was my longest - two years), but to know so quickly that you can't live without the person you're with? That's beautiful. I don't think I've ever felt like that. I mean, when I was in that relationship, we talked about marriage and the future a lot, and at the time I was wholly interested in it. But sometimes, looking back, I don't know. I mean, JJ obviously wasn't the guy I couldn't live without, because I am. And that was my choice.

There's got to be something I've been missing in my past relationships. Actually, it's really only my two recent serious relationships - my very first steady boyfriend and I dated for a year. When we broke up, I was so torn apart. And for months. Years, actually. That was the first time that I let myself love someone and gave myself to them completely, so when it ended it felt like my whole world had crumbled. He was my whole world. I guess I just never let myself get that vulnerable again. I guess I was afraid of getting so badly hurt again. I guess I hadn't given myself wholly to anyone since then and that would explain why my other two relationships weren't as devastating when they ended.

Wow, this had started as such a happy blog lol. Congratulations Alan! I heart you!

Your Horoscope: Taurus

If you feel it, it's going to fall right out of your mouth. Your heart is in charge of every word now. In fact, the opinion of your brain and your common sense will have very little to do with anything you do now, so be careful.

Astrology.com

Ahhh Suki Suki!

Aw, so I had an interesting day today. I enjoy days that make me love being here. First, I could sleep later than usual, because my orgo lab teacher moved class to 9,30 instead of 8,30 because we only had a little bit of work to do. I got my test back - 88! That's super for organic chemistry :) I really love that class. I guess I should if I plan to work in a lab my whole life.

Class ended and I went to go meet with one of the people attending the same Global Outreach trip as me. FYI I'm going to be spending Spring Break '06 in Waynesburg, PA building houses and I'm soo excited! Anyway, we have to have one-on-ones with each of the other people going on the trip and I did my first today. After that, I took a nap - love naps - plus my bed is super comfy now because I bought an awesome mattress pad - been getting the best nights of sleep ever :)

Then I spent some time with Mary and Maria, two of my orgo girls. We hung out and then studied for a psychology test - what can I say? I like science...that was tonight and it went pretty well.

When I got back from the test I celebrated one of my resident's birthdays. Aww she's 18 lol. I made her pancakes (yupp) with rainbow sprinkles and her roomies had made some yummy brownies. Then, we went over to a guy's apartment where I decided to pick up a guitar. I got hooked up to the amp and played a killer Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. It's the only song I could ever remember how to play. (Sorry Andrew, I know you taught me so many more...) Then, one of the guys began playing and about a half hour later we'd all sang RHCP, Barenaked Ladies, Bob Dylan, Fountains of Wayne and a bunch of others.

Aww, then the sweetest thing happened. Around 3am, on my way to my friend's apartment, I opened the door to find a flower on the ground with a note from one of the guys across the hall. "Hope you like the flower <3 Barry" How effin adorable is that? Then my roommate saw and she was like, "Oh yea, he's got a big crush on you..." Now, I'm not interested in Barry, nor am I even allowed to date him, but I just thought it was the sweetest thing (yea, Tara!) and it really made my night. Thanks love!

happy day

Haha, so my friend Jay - aka "the greatest" - came to visit me this weekend. Just wanted to put some pics up from yesterday :)

Yeah - Jay came to visit...

FYI Jay is my only friend who will swing dance with me. I love to soooo much so we performed our original piece for the crowds in my room :)

God, I would love to take classes...

The End

Perché?

Perché non posso essere felice? Non capisco. Mi penso che sono una persona buona, ma niente va bene. Sono triste tutti del tempo. Sono nostalgica e mi manca le mie amiche lì. Non mi sento giusto qui ed io detesto il mio lavoro. Chi essermi? Perché non lo so?

Voglio un ragazzo? Forse. Mi amo essere singola? Forse. Ho amici qui? Forse. Che cosa sono faccendo con la mia vita? Ancora, non li so. Sono tanta sconcertata. Qualche volta, voglio di mettere fine a questa...

. Love You .

Thank you so much to all of my friends who spoke to me about this post. My grandfather is going in for his surgery bright and early tomorrow (Tuesday at 6am) so please keep him in your prayers...

I get to see him on Friday! :)

Hello, my name is Bellezza and I'm here because...

I'm just gunna say it - I have a problem. I guess the first step towards a cure is admitting that you have problem, so here I go.

I am a chronic away message checker.

Now, I know what you're thinking: yeah, me too, no big deal. No - it is. It's an addiction. It's amazing how easy it is to keep up with your friends' lives by simply checking their away messages regularly. You know their mood, who they're with and oodles of other info. What are my friends doing right now?

1. "Cooking like there is no tomorrow" Okay, this friend wants me to be curious as to what they're cooking and then they will try to tempt anyone who asks about it to come over and try the dish. We don't know what they're cooking, thus the necessity in asking to start a conversation.

2. "Q: Why do we fall? A: So that we might better learn to pick ourselves up." Okay, this person has obviously seen Batman Begins, but since they altered the line ("Why do we fall master Bruce?") the away message is not simply about their interest in the film. It's personal - this person recently fell - they've been hurt somehow recently. And probably by someone, because by adding the "so that we might better learn to pick ourselves up" means that they want the person that hurt them to know that they'll be just fine and that they won't let that person keep them down for too long.

3. "Going out somewhere to do something with somebody call my cell if you need me" Hmm. I'm not sure if this person is actually out. The total lack of specifics will (they hope) leave their friends thinking that they must be doing something fantastic. However, they are waiting for someone to call them, so probably sitting at home.
*Don't put your phone number in your away message or your profile. That just means you're hoping that your phone hasn't been ringing because people don't know your number.*

4. "I think it's time for Taco Bell." They're at Taco Bell.

5. "I am away from my computer right now" C'mon. I hate that. Be a little creative.

6. Note: any away message in a foreign language is extremely personal and meant specifically for one person.

7. "I'm in a mood" They want you to ask them what's wrong. They're not ready to just flat out IM their friends and start bitching about something. But, they hope that some of their closest friends will see it as a request to ask how they can help.

Okay, that's plenty for now. When I see some really good ones I'll randomly jot them down with my interpretation. Hey it's something else to do besides homework :)

ps- I'm not sure how this is supposed to cure my ailment, but it was entertaining.

Anyone know of a better hiding place than SI?

So, I'm home for the weekend which is something that I usually look foward to, because it's a nice break from my Fordham reality. It's like a miniature version of that vacation that I always need. Not this weekend. First of all, I had a really long night, because I got in late and then hung out with some friends and then realized at 4,30am that I had to catch a bus to Staten Island 4 hours later. So I actually didn't go to bed. Anyhow, I get home to unwind around 9am and my mommy welcomes me with the same biggg bear hug I always get - like I've been away for a year - I love every ounce of it.

This morning, after the hug, my mommy decided to tell me the things that have been going on in Staten Island that she didn't want to "burden me with while I was busy at school". My grandfather's in the hospital. He's been there for a couple of weeks now and he has cancer. In the third stage. Yea, not relaxing.

The thing that pisses me off so much is that my grandfather is an extremely stubborn man. He's felt sick for a couple of months now, but he refused to tell his doctor what was wrong. When we asked him why he didn't mention it, he said that he felt okay the day he went to the doctor. I guess the few months before then didn't count...? Agh. The cancer that he has? Totally curable if one has had regular physicals and taken the proper tests for someone his age. But no - he's thick.

Now it's not curable. And basically, my parents have told me that I'd better make time this weekend to see him at the hospital in Brooklyn, because that might be it. He's getting a triple bi-pass next week and then if and when he recovers is scheduled to begin chemo. I want to crawl under a rock somewhere...

I need a vacation

I love waking up in the morning and remembering a dream that I had. While I rarely remember them, I'm convinced that it's true that I dream every night. My mood for the day probably depends a lot of how satisfying or comforting my dreams were the night before. But, like I said, I don't usually rememeber them too often to analyze them. And I do study a detailed dream extensively.

I mostly dream about things that are relevant to what's going on in my life. I've always trusted my instincts and I feel like many dreams are my unconscious helping me in a moment lacking clarity. For example, if I'm in a fight with a friend of mine and I dream of our reconciliation, I'll take my actions in the dream as a sign of what I need to do to fix the problem. A little more basic - if I can't decide to go to college for biology or education and then I have a dream where I'm working in a genetics lab, I know that I should become a natural science major at Fordham. The dream is a great way to tap into your own desires that you struggle to understand when you're awake. When you're sleeping, there's no one else around to sway your decision and you can come to understand what you really want.

The other thing that I've found to be true in my dreams is that they help me to see what the future brings. No, I don't think I'm psychic (well, most of the time) or anything, but they do bring some sort of insight to what's to come. Like last night...when I dreampt that I was underwater. It wasn't a nightmare, it wasn't scary - I was just underwater for a long time and felt that I was drowning. I've had similar dreams before and know that it means I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Did this dream predict the future? Yes. The severity of this problem hit me today when I went to check my mail. No fun care package, but there was a letter from the dean. Basically, "FYI you're in danger of failing your history class". Yeah, the class with the poor midterm grade. Ah - the drowning.

Am I overwhelmed? God yes. I'm not a slacker - for those of you who don't know me I'm actually a dean's list student (not being a snob, I'm just proud of my 3.7 and upset about this semester). But this year's been so difficult. I kind of feel like I'm living here because my job as an RA requires me to and that I also happen to take a couple of classes. I don't feel like a student who also happens to be an RA. Agh.

pictures!

Since I've figured out how to get pictures on my blog, here are a couple of recent ones...

Me and the roomie being silly

Tara & Me at the Halloween party

Godot Me & Belle