I got to sleep in

Heads Up: I wrote this right before Spring Break. It got lost on my Word doc without getting posted! Ahh. Anyways, a little behind the times, but nontheless fabulous.

N-Dawg picked me up last night and took me to a nice, Italian restaurant downtown. On the way there I was prepping myself for the "we need to talk" conversation that I am apparently incapable of having. When we met up I had the “serious, we have a problem” look on my face. He, of course, asked me what was wrong and if I was still spending the night at his place. (Because if I was, where on earth was all my stuff?) I told him that I still wasn’t sure if I was going to his apartment because I wasn’t feeling all that well and we proceeded to dinner.

At the restaurant I met a few of N-Dawg’s friends from work. (Real work, he’s a teacher remember.) I was flattered that they knew exactly who I was – how we’d met and what we’ve been up to. It was the second sign that he was pretty serious about me. For those of you that haven’t been following, the first was Valentine’s Day, keep up! I ate a salad (he paid), because I’d had an early dinner with my girlfriends only an hour before. Then we all moved to a pastry shop for dessert (I paid).

After dinner, naturally came dancing. The six of us walked a few more blocks to Detour a jazz club/bar place on, um, 11th and 1st. We had good conversation, listened to good music, and yeah he’s a really good dancer. At this point I checked in with Dodds, who advised me to simply follow my heart. I think he said gut, but heart sounds better. A few drinks later and we headed back up to the Bronx. I didn’t need to stop at home because N-Dawg had a toothbrush for me lol.

On the subway he showed me the gift that he’d been teasing about all night, which was a scrap-booking book. That’s when I checked in with my roomie. Talking to her, I decided that I was going to just enjoy myself. I was having a great time, whether I was ready to admit it or not.

On the way home this morning, I did a lot of thinking. I got off the subway a little early and walked 20 blocks to clear my head (on this gorgeous March day). I think I’ve gotten my problem figured out. I’m just afraid to move on from the “comfortable” things that I’ve been waiting to work out.

Stop waiting for JJ to prove that he can grow up.

Stop waiting for you-know-who to forgive me for being a stupid bitch.

Stop waiting for that on-again-off-again-since-August, we’re-just-using-each-other-for-intimacy to get a fucking clue.

Do I need to hold off for Mr. Right if Mr. Right Now is making me happy, even if I know I only want it to be short term? I guess it ultimately comes down to me being scared. I'm not sure of what I'm scared of which is why my mind keeps running from one extreme to the next. Agh, okay, one day at a time.

Why do I let you do this to me?

Open iTunes. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.


Number of songs: 1049 (new comp...)

Sort by song-
First Song: "Heroes" - David Bowie
Last Song: Ziggy Stardust - ditto

Sort by time-
shortest song: Intro (Super Karate Monkey Death Car) - Stephen Lynch
Longest Song: Blues Jam - Stevie Ray Vaughan & Buddy Guy

Sort by artist-
First Artist: A New Found Glory
Last Artist: The Zodiacs

Sort By Album-
First Album: ...Baby, One More Time - Britney
Last Album: Wicked Soundtrack

Do you rate your songs? Only my 5s so I can have a good Top Rated
Do you make up your own genre? No, but I try to get all the songs in one
What Artist do you have the most songs by? On this comp, RHCP, I'm sure I have more Billy Joel on my other one
What was the last song you added? Coin Operated Boy by the Dresden Dolls

Search the key word and see how many songs appear:
"Sex": 20
"Death": 1
"Love": 54
"You": 144
"Me": 255
''Drugs'': 0
''Hate'': 3

Search for your own name, how many?: One. Crazy Amanda - Sum 41

Do The Shuffle! Shuffle your library and list the first five songs.
1. Andy, You're a Star - The Killers
2. Dangerously in Love - Destiny's Child
3. Feels Like Home - Chantal Kreviazuk
4. On My Own - Les Mis
5. What You Wish For - Guster

I had the most wonderful Spring Break

All people are made of glass.

A global outreach trip smashes your glass into pieces and forces you to put them back together differently.

Thanks Meg ;)

Thanks Meri, Marnie, Meg, Kater, Dith, Jess, Lauren, Mauren and especially my Hotty Doddy. I love you all dearly.

wet hot american friday

nevergrowup, Godot and I watching WHAS: hahahahahahaha

::Godot leaves apartment::

Bellezza: "nevergrowup, i'm so trashed"

nevergrowup: "omg, me too"

Today is where your book begins

Last night, some close friends and I celebrated my engagement. No, I'm not actually engaged, but before I went out with nevergrowup, LemonCrush, Marnie and Dodds last night, we all had crowns on - one thing led to another - and apparently today is my wedding day. Good times.

I learned an important friendship lesson last night. While a lot of ya'll know that there is that one person on staff that I don't get along with, I just found out that our "issues" were larger than I'd even known. I'm totally over this situation and I really don't care about it anymore, but since I only learned of it last night, might as well vomit - I mean blog - it.

We lived together freshman year. We weren't BFF, but we got along very well. We lived together sophomore year and I still didn't have a problem with her until around February. It was actually when applications and interviews for RA were coming up. She, my fave roomie and I had a conversation about lottery and living for junior year. "Bellezza, if I get RA I'd want you and your roomie to live with me. If neither of us get the job, you can live with roomie and I'll live with Vicky." End of conversation. No, "If Bellezza gets RA" and no "If we both get RA". I was so hurt. And insulted. A little part of me still wishes that only one of us got the job, because I still truly feel like it would've been me and I wanted to prove to her that knowing AD wouldn't guarentee you a spot.

So, we both got the job. The roomie and Vicky decided to live with me. Summer came and went and I didn't realize that there were issues. Then when we came back for training in August, I could tell that she was obviously mad at me for some reason. We were never great friends, so I ignored it. But then she was actually pretty nasty to me. Right after classes finally started, I asked her why there was so much tension between us and she gave me a bogus reason about something that happened like a week prior. I knew it was bs because this had obviously been going on for longer than that.

Not as long as I thought. Not only was this girl anti-Bellezza, but apparently she ran a campaign against me and it started in May. It was her (spoken) goal to "make everyone of staff hate me". She started with two people who are now two of my dearest friends and it hurts to know that at some point there was a girl saying mean things about me to them - and to this day, I don't even know why she did it or what kinds of things she's said.

We still work together and will again next year (narrow it down for ya'll enough yet?). You would never know that we had any problems. I guess we're being mature about it? I've tried to make ammends, but whatever the reason is that she doesn't like me, they are strong enough for her to keep her distance. I've tried to go out of my way for her - helping with projects and supporting her programs and still nothing. I guess it's silly to hope that we could just move on from this mess, but that's just me.

Anyone perfect must be lying

*Name someone with the same birthday as you: Barbra S.
*Last person you hugged: LemonCrush - when we pretended to be lesbians because the scary man with the creepy accent was trying to speak to me.
*How many U.S states have you been to: maybe 5 or 6?
*How many of the U.S states have you lived in: 1 - just NY
*Name something you like physically about yourself: my hair - I just wish it would get longer already though
*Something non-physical you like about yourself: my laugh - I do not sound like I'm high!
*Who made you angry today? Waking up at 9am.
*Favorite type of Food?: a type? Italian
*What illegal things have you done?: oh dear - I "stole" my own car, underage drinking, is streaking illegal? oh, and I (accidentally) killed a stripper.
*Where would you want to go on a first date? dinner - need to know if you have good taste and can hold a decent conversation
*Has anyone ever sang or played for you personally: yep
*Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you? um, I don't think so (7 years yes)
*Have you met a real redneck: Ha! yes. when you go visit your friend and pass the Land-o-Lakes farm on the way, yea you know...
*What is your current favorite song? Oh...that's so hard...I guess Unwritten - ya'll know it changes EVERYDAY
*What was the last movie you watched?: Crash
*Do you wear contacts: yes. we fight and I often lose
*What are you afraid of?: confrontation, immunology class, letting someone down, sleeping without a blanket
*Have you ever loved someone: fortunately
*What turns you on?: those kisses that make you melt - literally, when your body totally gives in
*What do you usually order from Starbucks: iced venti chai (yupp, even in the winter)
*Are you missing someone: my kristen
*Do you have an iPod?: yes and I'm in love with the random feature
*Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't supposed to? yes (we'll just leave it at that). I did get away with the 8th floor lounge incident, hell yea.
*Favorite flower: daisies
*Butter, plain, or salted popcorn: kettle corn
*What books are you reading: I Never Promised You a Rose Garden for school and Nights in Rodanthe for me.
*Favorite cereal: Cinnamon toast crunch

So you're a Jedi...

I went to mass last night for the first time in a long time.

Besides Christmas with JJ's family, it must have been three years.

Going to mass wasn't the most awful thing in the world. I mean yes I was bored, but I haven't been to a service in so long I guess it was only right to go.

I sang along to the opening procession. I remembered all the words. I kneeled when I was supposed to kneel. I remembered all the rules. I replied when I was supposed to reply. I remembered all the lines.

Then I remembered why I don't go to mass. I felt like a robot. Again. I hate that feeling - I felt it when I did these same things when I was no older than seven. I disliked it then and I dislike it now.

Against popular belief, I do believe in a God. What I don't particularly agree with is organized religion. I don't think that I can put a face to whatever "god" is and I don't agree with a community that insists all those who are not members are damned. It is for these reasons that I chose to keep my faith internal. I don't think that it's my place to press my own beliefs onto other people.

I think that I would define my faith as more spiritual than religious. While I do not picture my grandmother to be living the next life in a garden in a defined heaven, I do wear her necklace with the belief that she is all around me everyday in everything that I do.

And now my ramblings only make sense in my mind and no longer on paper (or a screen rather). Such is life.

and the stars say...

Astrology.com emails me my daily horoscope and while I normally read it for amusement purposes only, I must say that the last few have been right on target:

Monday, Feb 27
Take some time off -- you deserve a break and, more importantly, you need one. It's time to refresh yourself mentally, physically and spiritually. Go and do something that rejuvenates you from the inside out.

Oh my goodness, do I deserve a break. I have been so busy lately and really going to the extreme. Some of my classes this semester are really taking up a lot of time, in addition to them boring me. I'm pretty diappointed in both of my psychology classes. One of them is Multicultural Issue in Psychology which should be SO interesting, but apparently "multicultural" translated to "black history" for my professor. Of course it's an interesting subject, but we're already almost two months into the course and I'd like a little variety. As far as work goes, even my bosses have said I'm not myself lately. They constantly show their appreciation for the hard work that I do, but then they've even said that they think it may be too much. I'll have to take that advice and "refresh".

Tuesday, Feb 28
It's time to try new things, see new places and explore a new side of yourself that you may not have even known existed. Look to an adventurous friend to help you get started on this fresh path.

Adventurous friend? Any takers? I do actually feel like I've become somewhat more adventurous this year. I'm trying new things - actually a good friend is trying to help me make the necessary changes I need to in order to be a little more content with myself. That's quite adventurous in my book - scary even.

Wednesday, March 1
You've got a lifelong bond with a close friend, but it's been far too long since you've made some time to hear what's going on with them. Make some room in your life and get a hold of them now.

I miss my dear friends from home so so much. We try to see/talk to each other as much as possible, but it of course is difficult. My darling KC, I fear this is about you and I hope all is well. Miss you oodles! Ah, Battaglino.

Thursday, March 2
Sitting back and waiting for something to happen won't get you where you need to go. If you want to get that spot you so richly deserve, it's time to do some campaigning -- but don't overdo it, of course.

Omg, I know, I know. You don't have to keep telling me. Maybe I'm just a little too scared to move beyond the "sitting back and waiting" - it's comfy back there. For sure, I will not be overdoing it. let's try to do it first, thanks.

Find yours at
http://horoscopes.astrology.com/Homepage.html?ice=ast,tabh,horo