Freaked

As I've said before, JJ and I broke up in June. Now four months have passed and - I won't lie - I've been a little lonely. So, three weeks ago, when I was at a family party in Long Island I thought it would be a good idea to start to put myself back out there. There was a cute waiter serving my table who was flirting with me during the party, so I built up my courage (with my brother's help) to give him my phone number. We spoke for a few minutes and I learned that he actually has a friend at Fordham and hangs out in Manhattan once and awhile. That seemed sort of perfect because we could hang out in the city, but it wouldn't have to be extremely committing because he lives in LI. Seemed so...

About eight hours later I was out in Manhattan for my friend's birthday and I got a voicemail. It was the waiter. Um, yea, eight hours - I know it's kind of cliche how girls say that guys wait too long to call them, but this was way too quick. I immediately felt that the waiter was too desperate for me, especially since I wasn't looking for a relationship. The voicemail itself also turned me off, because he was drunk and trying to impress me by saying that him and his friends were driving around drunk and about to smoke up. Sorry, not endearing.

I didn't call him back. I could tell that I wasn't going to be interested, so I thought it best to not give him hope. A couple of weeks went by before he called me again. Friday night, I was out with some friends at a lounge and he called. I ignored the call, but again he left a voicemail. It was about three minutes long (that's pretty long in VM time) and he left his number twice. Again, the desperation was bothering me and I did not call him back.

The next night, Saturday, I was at a Halloween party in Brooklyn and I got another voicemail. The waiter said that he was hanging out with him friend at Fordham tonight and that he hoped we could hang out. I texted to him that I was in Brooklyn and wouldn't be back until very late. There was no reply.

My roommate and I got home around 4 in the morning (really 5 am to us - thank you daylight savings time for making the party longer) to find a massive message on my door. Shortened, "Hi it's :waiter:. I found your apartment number of facebook [he did not know my last name] and thought I'd stop by. Had a miserable night. Wish you were here. I'm staying upstairs in - - -. You should come by. Love ya".

Well, maybe I over exaggerated because I was drunk or something, but I totally freaked out. I have not returned this kid's phone calls and he tracked me down. He found me on facebook without knowing my whole name. He also left me a message on my facebook account. I just kept thinking, omg he's in the building, he's a few flights away. It took me awhile to fall asleep last night and I think I only did because of the support of some of my good friends here - so thank you to those friends, you know who you are.

I replied to the facebook letter and told the waiter that I started seeing someone recently. It's not true and I hate to lie, but I was really freaked out and I hope that he gets the message to leave me alone. What a way to start considering dating again. I already never felt comfortable giving my number so someone I met in a bar or club and now I feel like I can't give it to anyone that I don't know for a reasonable amount of time. "Dating" is so different and more complicated than what I've been used to in the past - you and a friend's relationship evolving into a "I like you more than a friend, you like me more than a friend, let's be in a committed relationship" type thing. Agh!

On a happier note, that pic up top is of me and the roomie at the Halloween party...

Au Natural

It's about 11,30 and I was just getting ready to go to my normal Thursday night hangout. I was sitting in front of the mirror with concealer, eye liner and shadow all over the counter. Just as I began to doll myself up, I stopped and realized - I don't like to be dolled up. At least not for just hanging out with my friends down the street. Wedding, yes. Down the street, no.

So, I stopped what I was doing and washed my face. Tonight, I'll dress up as myself :)

Napoleon wasn't French, he was the guy in that weird movie...

Agh! I got a C on my history midterm. I'm so pissed, because I'm not doing well acedemically this semester. Not that it's an excuse, but why does there have to be a weekend long roommate conflict right before a test that I'm not prepared for?

And why am I taking history anyway? I don't think I've ever mentioned it, but I'm a Natural Science major. Yes, I'm a nerd - I like biology, chemistry, physics, genetics and god-help-me I'm actually pretty darn good at calculus. History? Not so much. It's just not important to me so I can't bring myself to care about the class. The core at Fordham is absolutely rediculous. My major was declared before freshman year even started and I still have to take these classes that have absolutely nothing to do with my interests.

To make matters worse, once your done with the 62 credit core and it's time to take your elective classes, there aren't any. There are three electives for my major being offered in the Spring '06 semester, but two of them conflict with my organic chemistry class, a required course. And the other one is at 8,30am. Yea right. I grabbed a course booklet from Rose Hill (our other campus) and they do have a couple of more options, but I don't want to have to travel there three days a week - once like now is bad enough. Not only are there more electives, but that meet at more than one possible time. Oh my gosh - what a crazy idea!

Why does this campus hate my major...?

Summer Lovin'

Oh my gosh - it's 6am and I'm still awake. I am on the worst sleep cycle ever. I guess I can just function with little sleep and some starbucks. I have to leave for class at 7,30 so I'm thinking it's probably a bad idea to go to bed now. I'll never get up so here I am.

I just watched The Notebook. I've been in the mood to watch it for a few days now, so I took this opportunity to satisfy that craving. You just need a good cry once and awhile and that's what I did for the two hour span of the film. In the beginning of the movie, Noah and Allie go on their first date to see movie and it's just the sweetest thing and it got me thinking about my first "real" date.

I was in the seventh or eighth grade when Michael M (M&M we called him) asked me to be his girlfriend. I thought he was absolutely adorable, so I promptly accepted. That Friday night, the theatres were playing Grease for the anniversary and I was dying to see it on the big screen. M&M took me out to see it - what this really means is that me, M&M and two of my girlfriends went to see the show, but he paid for my ticket and popcorn. (I wasn't allowed to date, so my girlfriends had to come.)

A couple of minutes into the showing, M&M turned and kissed me on the cheek. My face tingled and a shiver ran through my entire body. A moment later I excused myself to the bathroom, where Gabby (the BFF) told me that M&M wanted to put his arm around me. When we sat back down, I sunk a little bit more in my seat to facilitate the next step. M&M did put his arm around me, I melted and the next time he leaned in for a peck on the cheek I turned to kiss him back.

It was awkward and I probably wasn't any good at it, but M&M and I did kiss that night. It all seems so silly now, especially since we "broke up" a week later. But at the time, it was the most amazing thing that had ever happened to me. Ahh...this used to be so much easier...

A Little Bit Random

If I could have any super power what would it be? Hmm...something very important to consider is the balance between the positive and negative aspects of the power.

For example, let's take the ability to read minds. Could be fun...could use to your advantage in class...could find someone in need... But, what about things we shouldn't hear? Besides the weight of knowing everyone's innermost secrets, you might not want to hear little things like, "omg, I can't believe she's [you] wearing that shirt - what a skank". Sometimes I'd rather hear the white lie, "wow, you look so hot!" Additionally, what if you couldn't control the power? You could go crazy hearing all those voices and have to live on a deserted island.

Premonitions? It might be advantageous to see things before they actually happen, because you might be able to help someone who's about to get hurt. Or, on a smaller level, know that you don't have to get out of bed and take a shower, because you're only going to walk to class to see that it's cancelled. Sleep longer. However, what happens to all those wonderful surprises in life? When you're being walked to your door at the end of a perfect third date, how much fun could it possibly be if you already know that your new someone special is going to give you the most amazing kiss of your life? The butterflies could never be the same as when there's the thrill of not knowing.

Maybe a better power would be telekinesis. That's a pretty awesome one - Alex Mack style. What if I could move objects with my mind? Telekinesis is probably one of the more controllable superpowers. I could use it when I needed to, whether it's out of laziness or maybe protection. Hmm. I'm liking this. Plus, it's an active power, so you could totally show it off to people - well, the select special people in your life :) Down side? Perhaps the laziness. Alrighty, if you guys see me gaining any weight it means I've mastered the phenomenon of telekinesis and am being very lazy... Still sweet though.

Hand over your candle!

Today, at 230pm, 16 members of the Res Life staff plus a few security personnel at Fordham University successfully evacuated 14 McMahon Hall residents. 14 out of about 820 I think? No, I did not fudge these numbers. My coworker said it perfectly - if you want to evacuate McMahon Hall, simple announce an evacuation.

So, yes, three hours of my life were wasted today banging on doors, entering suites and checking for people who were possibly hiding/not following directions to evacuate. All I had to do was go in and lock everyone's door. Three hours! And that was with 14 residents home! But this is not the best part - oh no, it gets better...

I was also primary on duty tonight. For those non-Res Life folk, this means that if anything - and I do mean a-ne-thang - happens in the building, I get a phone call. Well, what happened all night? "Help, I'm locked out." In a four hour block of time I was called to unlock 21 apartments. 21. And don't get me wrong, most of these were not the residents' faults - the keys to the bedrooms were not working properly. So now, I've dealt with 21 people who are a little annoyed that they couldn't get into their bedrooms asking me why on earth Fordham would do this. I gave the speech..."Well, with terrorism on the rise, in case of an emergency we may have to evacuate, and since Fordham has never done that before, the city requires that we have a drill..."

"Oh, so it wasn't to just raid our rooms for violations and stuff?"

What? You have got to be kidding - I'm insulted. Do y'all really think we care that much about taking your candle away? Um, sorry but no, it's not that important. No, you did not have the director of Residential Life looking under every bed in the dorms searching for your toaster, alcohol, porn, whatever. You had ten really pissed off and utterly annoyed RAs going into your room to make sure your dumb ass wasn't in the shower while that obnoxiously obvious alarm was telling you to get out (which someone was). Duh

ZzZzZz...

I had the most wonderful dream last night (haha, that sounds like it's from a movie and that I need really dramatic music playing to say it as the shot segues into the first scene...). No, it wasn't that dramatic - well, maybe a little.

I don't know - now I'm feeling like a five yr old. Okay, we've all had (I hope) a truly passionate kiss where your body just melts away and you can't feel a single thing besides the person you're with. Nothing else matters at that moment, except for concentrating on the feelings. The physical, the emotional, the spiritual. I think that one of the most important parts of the kiss is where you place your hands. There's no better feeling than when a man cups your face with their hands as they kiss you. It's passionate in that they're demanding to kiss you and it's comforting in how you feel protected by them.

Well, yes, that was really the extent of my dream. The kiss only lasted for a moment and I could not picture who it was with, but nevertheless, I woke up feeling refreshed and alive. It was almost just as good as if it had really happened. Almost.

Haunted

It happens at least once a day and there's no doubt in my mind that it'll happen again tomorrow. My away message is on and when I return to the screen I see "Hey, just wanted to say hi". Who is it from - the ex (who we will call JJ - thanks Mark!). Don't get me wrong, JJ and I were madly in love for over two years, but it's been over since this past June. At least I thought it was. While I think that the healthiest break is a clean one, JJ feels the need to constantly try to reconnect.

It's not that I dislike JJ as a person and we broke up on kinda-sorta-mutual terms, but for some reason the constant prying into my daily life is unwelcome. Why do you always want to know what I did today? (And sometimes, more than once a day.) It's such a weird and confusing feeling - not quite anger, not quite annoyance, not quite guilt. It must be a combination of the three, but whatever it is I don't want to feel it. It feels like the past.

Where did all my money go?

It's really great knowing that if you live in Manhattan they'll always be something to do. Actually, living in the dorm here makes it pretty simple to do whatever you want to. For starters there's the fact that - duh - we don't live at home anymore and as much as they'd love to, the Res Hall cannot give you a curfew. (I don't know about anyone else, but when I go home my mom loves to reinstate one.) Anyway, it's great to know that if you want to go dancing or see a Broadway show or whatever, you can knock on a few doors and find someone to go with. Then, on the other hand, if you feel the need to stay in one night (cause, hey, it's Monday and we need to recover from the weekend), you can make some popcorn, curl up in front of your on TV, pop in a dvd and relax. If people want to stop by and join you, then they just have to make their own popcorn, because I probably won't be in the mood to share.

Plenty of nights I actually prefer this setting - I'm pretty obsessed with movies and I blame three years of working at Blockbuster for that. My choice of poison? There are not enough romantic comedies in creation to satisfy this heart over here. Of course I have my cravings for The Usual Suspects, Fight Club, etc but c'mon - I can watch The Sweetest Thing every day and never get tired of it. Anyway, sometimes we're simply forced to live evenings in front of the TV. Why? Because the negative to going out in NYC is that it's soo expensive. FYI I must have spent $120 this weekend. Yea, I'll watch a movie tonight...

Pilot

There's always a pilot - you need to start somewhere. I'm not sure where I'd begin with myself, because I feel like everything's always moving so fast that it's almost impossible to find a particular point to focus on. We'll just start with the basics. I'm a 20 year old college student - I'm in my third year at Fordham University, living at the Lincoln Center campus in NYC. I love living here. Everyone knows the cliche, the city never sleeps. Well it doesn't. The best part of New York is my 24hr Starbucks in Columbus Circle. Whether I'm working on a paper that's long overdue or trying to keep up with my friends at 5 in the morning, I can always count on Starbucks to be ready to make my venti chai latte. There are so few things in life that will never let you down...

I'm not sure what I'll use this blog for just yet. I usually get the urge to write when I'm really upset or really happy, so those extremes can be expected. What kinds of things might appear? Well, most definitely - men. They're always causing extreme pleasure or pain. I'm sure I'll bitch about work - I'm an RA here in the dorm and a customer service rep at a furniture store. And I guess whatever the heck else I feel like...