dear diary,
August 27, 2001
I don't understand how it's possible to feel so alone. I need to get out of here. I want to live on my own - being here makes me angry and upset for what seems like no reason. Why do I always see the bad side of everything? It frightens me. I'm scared about Matt. I'm scared of getting hurt by Matt. What if he just doesn't feel the same for me as I do for him? I afraid to love. I'm afraid of letting anyone else get too close. Do I have the strength?
Does everything really happen for a reason? Did Joe teach me how powerful love can be just so I could feel it for someone else?
September 11, 2001
Today was a day that I will never forget. When I walked to school this morning, my biggest worry was about the teacher's strike - they were all picketting outside and I knew that we weren't having any real classes. I was sitting in the library watching a documentary when Gabby ran in crying. She was in the office and overheard that the World Trade Center had been attacked and that the two towers had collapsed.
We left the library and went upstairs where we could see the damage. The Manhattan skyline was destroyed and all we could see was smoke in the direction of the WTC. I burst into tears, because I thought of Kristen. Her father works in the towers. She's already lost her mother and I couldn't imagine anything happening to her father also. I tried to call her over and over again, but no one's phone was working. For the first time in a long time, I prayed. It took hours before I learned that he was safe.
September 18, 2001
Matt is going to college next year - to be a pilot! What if we go to war?
I started taking driver's ed. I can't wait until I get my license so that I can get out of here.
August 31, 2002
I haven't written in here for months, but there's always one thing that motivates me to pick up my diary and paper. Matt - I don't understand what this boy does to me. When we fought last summer I thought we would never even speak again. Now, over a year later, we just kissed. OMG he just kissed me. We were talking, then I saw this sweet but hesitant look in his eyes - maybe a little scared. But, it was perfect.
March 18, 2003
Another letter came in the mail today. I didn't make it into NYU's science program. I made general admissions, but there's not really a point if I'm not in the program. The only school I have left to hear from is Fordham. Now that's my first choice - what if I don't make it? I made St. John's, but I really don't want to go there. I need to get off this island.
July 03, 2003
So much has changed. I'm 18 years old. I graduated from high school. I'm going to attend Fordham University in Manhattan in the fall. Walter and I broke up after a year and I started dating a boy named Jeff recently. He makes me really happy and I think I might love him, but I'm not ready to say that out loud yet.
OMG my friend Eamon has a hit song on z100! He has a video on MTV and everything. I haven't seen him in years, but he came into Blockbuster the other day and when I helped him, he remembered me! He's opening for Britney next month and everything.
July 14, 2005
After two years together, Jeff and I just broke up. I don't understand what happened - I just can't understand my own feelings. How could they just change? I need to go for a drive. A long one.
I found my old diary when I went home this weekend for the holiday. Here are just a few thing out of it. Just pretend you never read them...
I don't understand how it's possible to feel so alone. I need to get out of here. I want to live on my own - being here makes me angry and upset for what seems like no reason. Why do I always see the bad side of everything? It frightens me. I'm scared about Matt. I'm scared of getting hurt by Matt. What if he just doesn't feel the same for me as I do for him? I afraid to love. I'm afraid of letting anyone else get too close. Do I have the strength?
Does everything really happen for a reason? Did Joe teach me how powerful love can be just so I could feel it for someone else?
September 11, 2001
Today was a day that I will never forget. When I walked to school this morning, my biggest worry was about the teacher's strike - they were all picketting outside and I knew that we weren't having any real classes. I was sitting in the library watching a documentary when Gabby ran in crying. She was in the office and overheard that the World Trade Center had been attacked and that the two towers had collapsed.
We left the library and went upstairs where we could see the damage. The Manhattan skyline was destroyed and all we could see was smoke in the direction of the WTC. I burst into tears, because I thought of Kristen. Her father works in the towers. She's already lost her mother and I couldn't imagine anything happening to her father also. I tried to call her over and over again, but no one's phone was working. For the first time in a long time, I prayed. It took hours before I learned that he was safe.
September 18, 2001
Matt is going to college next year - to be a pilot! What if we go to war?
I started taking driver's ed. I can't wait until I get my license so that I can get out of here.
August 31, 2002
I haven't written in here for months, but there's always one thing that motivates me to pick up my diary and paper. Matt - I don't understand what this boy does to me. When we fought last summer I thought we would never even speak again. Now, over a year later, we just kissed. OMG he just kissed me. We were talking, then I saw this sweet but hesitant look in his eyes - maybe a little scared. But, it was perfect.
March 18, 2003
Another letter came in the mail today. I didn't make it into NYU's science program. I made general admissions, but there's not really a point if I'm not in the program. The only school I have left to hear from is Fordham. Now that's my first choice - what if I don't make it? I made St. John's, but I really don't want to go there. I need to get off this island.
July 03, 2003
So much has changed. I'm 18 years old. I graduated from high school. I'm going to attend Fordham University in Manhattan in the fall. Walter and I broke up after a year and I started dating a boy named Jeff recently. He makes me really happy and I think I might love him, but I'm not ready to say that out loud yet.
OMG my friend Eamon has a hit song on z100! He has a video on MTV and everything. I haven't seen him in years, but he came into Blockbuster the other day and when I helped him, he remembered me! He's opening for Britney next month and everything.
July 14, 2005
After two years together, Jeff and I just broke up. I don't understand what happened - I just can't understand my own feelings. How could they just change? I need to go for a drive. A long one.
I found my old diary when I went home this weekend for the holiday. Here are just a few thing out of it. Just pretend you never read them...
posted by Bellezza at 8:02 PM
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