I’m ready to love somebody, love somebody like you

I am such a pussy. Can I just say that? Yeah, thanks.

I don’t know what it is. My oldest friends can see the difference. They’ve even commented on it. For whatever reason, Bellezza six years ago was not nearly as chicken shit as Bellezza today is. I’m talking about guys – and how I act with them. With the ones I like that is.

I used to be so willing to put my intentions out there. If I liked it, you knew it. I made it really easy for Joe. (Well the “hey I like you” part, not the relationship lol.) I was so vulnerable. I let my heart run wild and just let it take me along for the ride. Maybe it was a little pathetic, because when I look back I see a lot of things I would never do for a guy again – and never will. But then again, I got the guy I wanted.

It was a little harder with JJ. Only two or three years later, I found it so much more difficult to let him now how I felt. That those butterflies were making my stomach flip flop every time I saw or thought about him. How long did we know each other before we finally got together? A year – maybe longer? What a difference it was. And I didn’t like being so scared about it either.

Fast forward to 2006. Why am I so dysfunctional? I feel completely incapable of putting myself out there. Yes, my dears, you’ve seen me living the single life this year, but it’s a whole different ballgame when it’s someone I really like. If there’s someone that I’m crazy about. Someone that gives me butterflies. Then I fall apart. It’s like I’ve never kissed a boy before and I don’t know what to do.

Maybe it’s a rejection thing. If I really like you, I don’t want to just say “yes I like you” if there is even a smidgen of doubt in my mind. I can’t bear for you to tell me that you feel otherwise – that we’ve fallen into the friend-zone, most likely because I took my sweet ass time. I’m scared.

You give me butterflies. There were so many moments when I should have just kissed you. But I need the world’s biggest green light.

Here comes the bride...

No! Not me! We found the bridesmaid's dress for Nancy's wedding! I got sized and everything already. It's so gorgeous - elegant but still young and fun. We're getting it in the green :)

True Life: I'm a Staten Island Squirrel

I, a happy little squirrel who currently resides in Bullshead, Staten Island, was walking along and minding my own little squirrel business on Monday afternoon when something shiny caught my eye. Was it a golden ticket? No. Was it one of those cute little bags with the coin chocolates inside? No. It was the Nintendo kiosk in Blockbuster, on which a small boy was playing with a PSP. Entrigued, I patiently waited by the door of Blockbuster for someone to walk through the entrance absent-mindedly enough that they don't notice me follow them inside.

Jackpot! A group of four boys stormed through the glass doors. I darted in with them and to the back corner of the store where the video games were. On the way I tried to say a quick hello to Bellezza, but she was preoccupied talking to Courtney and Al Nap. I did, however, catch her attention when the boy at the PSP screamed. I don't know why he did - I just went over to the game because I wanted to play too. Hello, it was Tony Hawk Underground.

So he screamed. I don't understand why such an uproar was caused. All of a sudden the other boys were running over to me. I got scared so I went in the opposite direction. They followed me! I didn't want to play with them so I jumped on top of a shelf of movies. I was high enough to be out of their reach. But not Al's. Al Nap came running after me with a big box! I love this game, because I always win. The human tries to trap me in a cardboard box (they call it "home") and I try to escape! As I suspected, Al Nap was not able to keep up with me.

It seemed like the whole store wanted to play with us. Before I knew it, everyone was chasing me. No one knew the rules - one at a time! Since I don't like to play with cheaters, I decided it was time to leave. Perfect, Bellezza was holding the back door open. How convenient. I gave the kids one more run around the store for kicks and then scadazzled (it's a word) back into the fresh air. Oh darn, I forgot to rent the PSP game.

True story.

Minus the inner monologue.

coolest weekend ever

bus ticket to lehigh valley, pennsylvania...$15
seeing joe after a long month of, well, not seeing joe...AWESOME
playing beer pong for three hours straight...CHALLENGING
crashing at a frat house for the night...INTERESTING
going snowboarding with the guys...$65
watching joe jump through the air and then fall on his butt...MEMORABLE
bus ticket back to good ol' NYC...$15
not going to connecticut to a bday party...PERFECT (when you see the pictures afterwards with some on your freshmen there)
tickets to Webster Hall while z100 was having a "Shred your Ex" party...FREE - YEH CHRIS WORKS THERE
cutting the line because you're "on the list"...SWEET
watching Kevin Smith movies all day long...RELAXING
express bus ride back to NYC...$5
seeing jazz at Swing 46 (when you're an RA and can program it)...FREE
swing dancing with friends...FUN FUN
my president's day weekend...PRICELESS

I feel like there's so much to say

I just - finally - watched the last episode of Sex & the City. I l-o-v-e-d it. Of course the part about everyone living happily ever after in love was amazing, but the absofuckinlutely best part was when Carrie walked into the coffee shop to see her three best friends that she'd been away from for so long. I cried and cried and cried. I miss my girlfriends from home so so much. Gabby, Christina and Lauren are my three soulmates (I love you too Kris, you're in a different ballgame) and I hate that I'm away from them for so long. We talk as much as we possible can with our crazy lives - we all have school, work and dating to handle - but sometimes I feel like it's not enough. God, I miss then so much. I know all three of you have seen the show and I know that you all know how I'm feeling. Let's go home soon?

Valentine's Day. It was nice. Nice. N-Dawg came to the city with some take out after I told him that I was stuck at school. (Yeah for the GO! Waynesburg Party last night!) It was really sweet and he even got me a teddy bear. It wasn't the best VDay I've ever experienced, but I'm content. I guess. I dunno. Okay, let's just end that thought right there, thanks. If you know my rational, you're a cock and I love you very much.

By next week I will have officially applied for an internship. God, I kinda hope I get it - I haven't thought about looking for more to apply to! Ha. Agh, I'm actually pretty terrified. Can we go to Neverland and not do the growing up thing? That'd be awesome. Btw, I watched Hook the other night for the first time in awhile - still AMAZING.

Tomorrow morning, before my painful organic chemistry test, I'm getting my less painful MRI. It's just for fun, I mean for my elbow. Who knows, maybe I'll meet a cute doctor.

I did meet a cute Blockbuster guy. My god, that place is soooo incestuous (what a bad word, I don't even know if it's spelled correctly). I met up with some of the old crew to go sledding on Sunday and a new member of the crew (who will here on in be named the BBV boy) was so adorable and totally flirting with me like we were in kindergarden. I took a little flop on the snowboard and he helped me up, only to follow it with the throwing of a snowball. It was just all so cute. And the BUTTERFLIES were there. I have no idea why because I don't know anything about him. I don't know the BBV boy's last name, but our five-hour encounter this weekend is making me more excited than this entire thing with N-Dawg. I need that feeling - I haven't felt it in so long. But I'm going to try not to get too excited. I don't even know if he is seeing anyone. Maybe I'll have to find out...

Have a terrific Thursday!

.sick inside.

I’m just a girl who kissed a boy who
Is in love with someone else
I didn’t mean to feel the way I do
It just happened by itself

And I’m sick inside
Yea it makes me wanna cry
I’m so sorry about last night
It all happened so fast I wanted it to last
In the moment it felt so right
But now I’m sick inside

Now I’m stuck with feeling in the pit of my soul
I guess I should’ve had a little self-control
I knew that it was wrong - I admit it
I wish there was a way that I could make it all right
I really wanna tell ya that I put up a fight
But that would be a lie

And I’m sick inside
Yea it makes me wanna cry
I’m so sorry about last night
It all happened so fast I wanted it to last
In the moment it felt so right
But now I’m sick inside

It makes me wanna cry
In the moment it felt so right

Dear Res Life, I broke a resident.

I did! I broke Matt! Well, okay, the flop he took on the mountain today is what did it, but I did take him there lol. We went snowboarding again and I had an awesome time. I'm probably going again in two weeks, that is if Joe remembers that he said he wanted to go. He tends to call me trashed and then forget...

So, Matt got hurt. He actually tore a ligament or something, but it wasn't just the snowboard's fault. He's been training for the marathon and probably been putting too much strain on it. Already made it weak. Like when dancers trip on the sidewalk and pull something - they obviously really did the damage in class.

At the hospital, I decided it was time to finally get the x-ray i needed on my elbow. Ya know, the one I fell on in the end of December? We remember the two week long black and blue? I figured it was fractured, because 1-when I actually fell, it felt like it did when I broke my arm a few years back (back hand spring) but because it didn't look the same it I just kinda hoped, and 2-the bruise went away and I got my strength back, but there was still an area that hurt like a bitch when touched.

(Man, are there words that you always type wrong? "like" ALWAYS comes out "liek". wtf?)

To make a long story short, I did break my elbow five weeks ago. It's healing fine and all they would have done was make me immobilize it and then get another x-ray around this time. So I just skipped that first step. And went snowboarding with a broken elbow twice. And ignored the pain for awhile... I'm a tough cookie.

Regret the things you don't do, not the things you do.

When I called my mommy today and heard her voice I could immediately tell that something was wrong. Within a moment I asked her if she was alright and then I heard tears. I heard my mother cry for almost thirty seconds so hard that she couldn't speak, couldn't tell me what was wrong. First I thought she had a fight with my father, but then realized that was silly. Then I thought of all the people we know who were sick - my grandfather, my grandmother, her friend's sister-in-law...

Unfortunately, someone did pass away. It was no one that I'd ever thought it could possibly be. After all, we didn't know he was sick. I didn't really know much about him except the jokes that came up at the dinner table once and awhile.

It was Arthur. My mother's high school love. Her first boyfriend, first everything, and practically her fiance until he went away to college. They promised each other that they would be together again but after several years and meeting my father (and yeah, I'm sure people in between), mommy stopped waiting around for Arthur to walk back into her life. Instead, she did begin dating my father and - obviously - they got married.

My grandmother told my mom a few years after I was born that Arthur had returned to Brooklyn for her after she was already engaged to my dad. Grandma explained the situation and he'd left without seeing her. I guess no one would ever know for sure what would have happened had they crossed paths. All mommy knew was what did happen and, like me, she believed it happened for a reason and her being with my father was what was truly meant to be.

When my parents bicker over things like the remote control or the last layer cookie, we joke how "this wouldn't be a problem if you'd only married Arthur". It's all in good fun and mommy constantly reminds us that she know she made the right choices because of my brother and me. I know that that's 100% honest. The thing we didn't know was that when we cracked the joke last month, he wasn't around anymore.

Arthur died of cancer on this past Thanksgiving.

The reason why I am writing this is because it got me thinking. When I hung up with mommy, I thought of how I would feel if I'd heard the same news. If my first love had died. If anyone I love died. What about someone that you didn't get a chance to discover your feelings for yet? What if they were gone suddenly and you never got to experience something great with them because you were scared? Or nervous? Or afraid to hurt someone else's feelings?

If you have feelings for anyone or some sort of history to clear up with someone, I beg you to do so. When you go to sleep at night, think of the people that you are going to bed angry at or longing for and make a promise to yourself that you will do something about it. Everytime you don't take a chance on something, you jeopardize your happiness. So what if it makes you a little vulnerable? What's a possible moment of embarrassment compared to a possible lifetime of regret?